On Writing and Insecurities - Life is so full of tae!

Saturday, May 16, 2015

On Writing and Insecurities

For the past days, I've been meaning to write something but the words won't spill.

Have you ever had those times when you know you've got something to write but your fingers fumble, your brain freezes, and you stop even before you start?

This is one of those times. And this has been a cycle ever since I discovered my love for writing.

I am not a professional writer nor do I dream of making it big to the publishing world. I am far from becoming a novelist or a poet and neither do I strive to be like Hemingway or Shakespeare (or perhaps I should consider this one because my write-ups are tragic... because it sucks). In fact, I don't have the balls to call myself a writer. But for someone who is not vocally expressive, there is comfort in expressing what goes on inside of the mind and turn them beautifully or tragically into words, isn't there? This is why it agonizes me so much whenever I stare at the blank screen and it stays blank for a long time.

My writing skills, or lack thereof, is holding me back. And all the more, reading one blog after another just magnified this self-doubt. It just made me realize how much I suck at writing. Come to think of it, I've been encouraging people to write, to believe in themselves. And all the while I've got this skeleton hidden in my closet. Yes, I am feeling insecure at the moment. I feel so small. Smaller than I thought I was. How can one really rock at writing? It feels like I'm not doing my best and heaven knows it took a lot out of me to put down those thoughts into words. I hate how comparing myself to others drains my confidence. It is paralyzing. Really. But I can't help it.

Overcoming insecurity isn't easy. It is that little voice in your head that tells you you're not cut for it. It made me doubt and question my abilities. Yet despite that, I have always welcomed my insecurities like a long lost friend. I don't do this because I'm a masochist, but my constant encounter and struggle with insecurity kept me grounded. It kept my head and ego from swelling and blowing up.

Anyway, today, I've learned not to bury my insecurities but use them as a tool instead. I didn't know what to write, so I wrote about my insecurities. See what I did there? Apparently, this is working pretty well because I am currently on the 7th paragraph moping about how much I suck at writing and words just kept flowing naturally.

Today, I stopped seeing my insecurities as an arch enemy. Yes, it's okay to have insecurities because it helps you realize your limitations. By embracing my insecurities I am allowing myself to learn, to grow, and to step beyond the limits. Its constant tug helped me push myself to do better and seek out ways to improve. Yes, insecurity is a jerk, but it isn't really bad after all.

Today, I made peace with my insecurities. But that doesn't mean I will let it strangle, consume, and stop me from doing what I love to do. This piece may not exude brilliance, may not be liked by others, but in one way or another, I trust I have something to offer. It may not be entertaining, interesting, or worth sharing, but I know I made someone - a struggling insecure wannabe writer like me - to feel less alone. And I think I got that going for me.

Today, I have insecurities but I will write. I will write what I know. I will write how I feel. I will write whatever I want to write. I will write with a purpose.

Today, I am insecure and I will inspire.

2 comments:

  1. I feel you! Thanks for posting this.

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    1. I knew I am not the only one who's in this struggle. Hehe.. Thanks for dropping by! :)

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