175 beats per minute

"Such a precious moment."

Those were Jan's exact words while looking at the result for the nth time.

He read this at the hospital, inside the car, and countless times at home. :)
It was mid-December of 2019 when we got two lines on our home PT. After testing four times on different days, I found pleasure in tracking my pregnancy on various apps, paying attention to seeds and fruits I never really cared about before.


But anxiety slowly took over and the recent weeks ran really slow. While Jan is becoming extra cautious over protective towards everything, I was consumed by fear day after day after day.

Mild abdominal cramps? Google it. Had a bit of cola? Google it. Hornier than usual? Google it.

Yes, this is what we normally do when we are borderline panicking. We turn to the internet for immediate answers. I found myself seeking advice by spending most of my time reading different situations of these equally hormonal strangers who had no clue what they're going through. Something I knew I should have not done but did it anyway.

So if I can give one advice to soon-to-be moms, it would be to never waste a single second on pregnancy forums because it does not help at all. Trust me, the abbreviations are not only going to kill you (BFP, AF, DH, the hell are those) but you see, pregnancy-related fears are very normal but lurking around forums that share perfect pregnancy journeys and heartbreaking stories has just gotten me more and more paranoid than I should be. What if the pregnancy is not viable? What if it's a blighted ovum? Or worse, ectopic?

So for our own peace of mind, we had the first trimester ultrasound earlier than what my OB scheduled. And boy, we couldn't get down from cloud nine! I still vividly remember how Jan's face lit up when he saw our 9-week old little bean. More so, when he heard the heartbeat!
Our baby's heartbeat.  
It was pure bliss. Such a precious moment indeed!

And now, I have my peace. I have a growing baby inside me. I want this pregnancy to become joyful rather than fearful. So I swear, I will never open another pregnancy forum again. I don't need it, especially when I am already neck-deep in attention, care, and support coming from the husband.


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