Confessions Vol. 5: I am fascinated with the Nazis and the Holocaust
By Sarah Aterrado - June 13, 2015
Yesterday, Jan and I watched Schindler's List. It reminded me of my obsession with the Nazis which started back when I saw one of my classmates in Fifth grade drew a swastika symbol (actually it was doodled all over his notebook). I asked him what it was and he started telling me with great enthusiasm about Hitler, the killing of the Jews, and how great of a leader he was. I was fascinated. In fact, too fascinated that I came to the point of always putting a swastika symbol next to my name. Excuse the ignorance, at that very young age, we really did not know what we were so fascinated about. And we had no idea about the darkest days that ever happened in human history. All we knew back then was that it looked cool bearing that swastika.
Since then, I've shown interest about the Nazi - from the documentaries, to books, to everything about Hitler. I've read Mein Kampf, The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich, a few other books with titles that I could no longer recall, and some fiction/non-fics that I have on my shelf that have eventually opened my eyes and led me to disgust Hitler and his mustache. And it's such a shame that I've been claiming to be obsessed with such yet I haven't watched Schindler's List until yesterday. I'm more devoted in books than on movies though. Well, what can I say? Schindler's List is one of the most powerful films I've ever seen. Even more powerful than the neo-Nazi setting film, American History X.
I am still fascinated with anything related to the Nazi regime. But my interest is fueled not on the ideologies of Hitler and the monstrosities brought about by his equally evil followers. The Nazis embody nothing but pure evil. Everything under the regime is downright despicable. And I don't want to think I'm exaggerating. However, I admit that at a certain level, I have admired Hitler's reign. I do give credit how great Hitler was. I mean, I think it's worth understanding how humans fell under the influence of one person who motivated a nation to such an ideological level, isn't it? It is undeniably amazing. Really.
Since then, I've shown interest about the Nazi - from the documentaries, to books, to everything about Hitler. I've read Mein Kampf, The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich, a few other books with titles that I could no longer recall, and some fiction/non-fics that I have on my shelf that have eventually opened my eyes and led me to disgust Hitler and his mustache. And it's such a shame that I've been claiming to be obsessed with such yet I haven't watched Schindler's List until yesterday. I'm more devoted in books than on movies though. Well, what can I say? Schindler's List is one of the most powerful films I've ever seen. Even more powerful than the neo-Nazi setting film, American History X.
Some of the most compelling Nazi/Holocaust books that I have. |
Whenever something big or a drastic change happens in your life, you end up explaining a thousand times what the eff just happened and why. Case in point, the day I said goodbye to my normal/regular (or however you call it) office day job.
I love how my close friends eagerly asked for details about what I am going through, the changes - be it negative or positive - in my life, how am I coping, and what my plans are. I am happy to know that people care. And I apologize if I'm not too keen on details. It's not that I don't have the guts to tell you about the crap I went through, it's just that I'm too lazy to lay it all down (again and again and again). I am totally fine, I promise.
Okay, that's a lie. Truth is, I never expected I'd go through a phase of separation anxiety that I found myself binge-eating on Snickers and pathetically watching videos of funny animals. And funny babies. And Spongebob Squarepants. I tried to read a book and catch up with the tv series I've been missing. Apparently, nothing works. I still feel a little bit down.
I love how my close friends eagerly asked for details about what I am going through, the changes - be it negative or positive - in my life, how am I coping, and what my plans are. I am happy to know that people care. And I apologize if I'm not too keen on details. It's not that I don't have the guts to tell you about the crap I went through, it's just that I'm too lazy to lay it all down (again and again and again). I am totally fine, I promise.
Okay, that's a lie. Truth is, I never expected I'd go through a phase of separation anxiety that I found myself binge-eating on Snickers and pathetically watching videos of funny animals. And funny babies. And Spongebob Squarepants. I tried to read a book and catch up with the tv series I've been missing. Apparently, nothing works. I still feel a little bit down.
Anticipation is creeping in. 2 hours. 2 hours more and everything will be shut down, signed out, and perhaps forgotten. My desk that used to be a home of a cutesy pup plushie, scratch papers, post-its, and candy wrappers now screams emptiness. This room, once a nest of brilliant people fueled by passion, is now an empty space only filled with the deafening chorus of the air condition and our keyboard strokes.
Nothing is going to be certain from here. But there's one thing that I am sure of, I will miss the people who showed me support and encouragement at times of pressure and failure which ultimately led me to discover my inner strength and true capabilities. My colleagues, workadas, friends, or however I call them, have become and will always be a family to me.
Nothing is going to be certain from here. But there's one thing that I am sure of, I will miss the people who showed me support and encouragement at times of pressure and failure which ultimately led me to discover my inner strength and true capabilities. My colleagues, workadas, friends, or however I call them, have become and will always be a family to me.
Here comes my birthday month. I never really look forward on my birthdays like most people do. And I think I have my school to blame for that.
You see, during my pre-school and grade school days, birthdays would mean getting exposed to the first and basic form of public humiliation - to be called in front of the class and everybody sings happy birthday while you stand there awkwardly, not knowing what to do and how to react. Am I supposed to smile? Should I make eye contact? Or just look how perfectly polished my shoes were because I know my classmates were secretly laughing at me? I never got used to it. I can never really get used to that kind of attention.
You see, during my pre-school and grade school days, birthdays would mean getting exposed to the first and basic form of public humiliation - to be called in front of the class and everybody sings happy birthday while you stand there awkwardly, not knowing what to do and how to react. Am I supposed to smile? Should I make eye contact? Or just look how perfectly polished my shoes were because I know my classmates were secretly laughing at me? I never got used to it. I can never really get used to that kind of attention.
I feel so horrible right now. I just realized that no matter how patient I can be, when it comes to my child, all hell breaks loose and I turn into a monster. I am dead serious when I say nobody messes with my kid. Nobody.
I didn't realize what I just did until somebody pointed out that I might have overreacted. Yes, I think my reaction went over the top. But it was something I could not really help. It was though I am a lioness protecting her cub from a perpetrator. And nothing could ever stop me. Fury was burning inside and I was consumed with rage. To see my child cry and cower, I completely lost it.
I didn't realize what I just did until somebody pointed out that I might have overreacted. Yes, I think my reaction went over the top. But it was something I could not really help. It was though I am a lioness protecting her cub from a perpetrator. And nothing could ever stop me. Fury was burning inside and I was consumed with rage. To see my child cry and cower, I completely lost it.
I was there.
Today, I got to take part in Color Manila Run. This isn't the first time I have joined a Color Run, but this is definitely the most awesome Color Run I have ever joined to date. Although admittingly, I've only joined two color runs my entire life. Hehe.
Color Manila has been known for always pulling off the biggest, most colorful, and most awesome color fun runs across the Philippines. They indeed know how to put the "fun" in Fun Run. And to make it more awesome, Color Manila has teamed up with Brother Philippines to which the event highlights Brother's New Refill Tank System.
Today, I got to take part in Color Manila Run. This isn't the first time I have joined a Color Run, but this is definitely the most awesome Color Run I have ever joined to date. Although admittingly, I've only joined two color runs my entire life. Hehe.
Color Manila has been known for always pulling off the biggest, most colorful, and most awesome color fun runs across the Philippines. They indeed know how to put the "fun" in Fun Run. And to make it more awesome, Color Manila has teamed up with Brother Philippines to which the event highlights Brother's New Refill Tank System.
Hello Sarah,
I'm sorry to interrupt the Chip War. I know things are getting pretty intense right there but this is something you need to know asap. Besides, the Accretians are probably going to win again anyway. So I hope you don't mind if I ask you take a back seat from RF Online for awhile and listen to what I am going say.
Do you recognize me? Probably not with the curly hair I'm sporting on. I've added an extra weight too. Well, just a little bit. Before you freak out and accuse me being a stalker, relax. It's just me, your future self. I'm writing this while I am taking a break at the office as I enjoy the beautiful view of the sea on my right. Yes, you've read that right. I'm working in an office doing stuff that has something to do with pixels and points, HTML5/CSS3, UI/UX, iOS and Android - things you apparently don't understand right now. You might be confused, but soon you'll find out why and how I ended up here.
"All you need is love... love is all you need..."
I'm sorry to burst your bubble Mr. John Lennon, but I have to disagree with you on this. Love is not all you need. Love is not enough. Yep, I say that loud and clear.
When it comes to relationships, many of us overrate and oftentimes overestimate love. We rely too much on love that we'd think it is the answer to our struggles, the ultimate solution to our relationship goals, the one that conquers all. And while we believe and idealize this thought, little do we know that it is our relationships that pay the price. I believe in not relying our relationships on feelings of love alone because it might be too late to find ourselves drowning in a deep pile of shit when a problem occurs that love cannot solve. Trust me, I've been there and it was not pretty.